Inspired by my own life, well kind of
(only slightly mind you, as this
is a complete work of fiction)
Also inspired by
Cafe Writing: Option Three (words chosen will be in bold)
and Writer's Island prompts: Triumph and Survivor
Looking for a cool place in the shade, I found a bench near the water. It was then I noticed the swan slowly drifting my way. How beautiful it was. White feathers contrasted against the dark water, its head bowed in contemplation epitomizing a serene grace I envied. How simple life seemed, sitting here in the light of day, enjoying the weather and the lake. But it wasn’t. Not after last night, not after those things I said in haze of drunken bravery.
I just had to
brag about it, didn’t I? Sober, it would not have been a
course of action normally taken, but I had crossed the line nonetheless, thanks to my inability to
decline a free drink. My mind
wandered through my words and actions, and not once did I find a single one to redeem me. I am doomed. Why did I do it? How could I have made such a scene?
I’ve lost a friend, I know it. How could she ever forgive me? Sitting there watching the swan gently gliding in and out of the shadows near shore, I began to feel as if I was being watched. Turning, I see her walking toward me. That’s great, just great. Well, let’s get it over with.
Standing, I turn towards her hoping to see in her eyes what kind of mood she is in, but with the sun shining behind her, it was impossible to see her face.
“Mike.”
“Hey Jenny.”
It must have been obvious from my discomfort that I was suffering. Maybe that is why she took pity on me and decided to let me off the hook.
“I have a confession to make.”
“You…you do?”
“I don’t know how to say this except to just say it plainly…you were set up.”
“What?”
“I deliberately got you drunk knowing you would do what you did.”
I could only look at her in shock. I was too numb to feel anything else.
“Why?”
“Because I knew sober, you would be a gentleman about it, and well, that’s not what I needed.”
“What…you needed?”
“Look, after the surgery and chemo my ego took quite a blow. I hated to admit it, but I no longer felt…sexy. Needless to say my dating life basically became non-existent. I mean, what guy in his right mind would want to be with me?”
The look on her face spoke volumes. I immediately understood, because before last week, I was one of those guys.
“I needed a boost Mike. I had to know if someone, anyone, would think of me as, well, in that ‘way’ again. I needed to know that it was possible to get past the fact that I don’t have a right breast. You did that for me. Bragging as you did last night, about our night together, helped my self-esteem more than you could ever know.”
Tears had gathered at the corners of her eyes, and without thinking I pulled her to me and held her until her shoulders stopped shaking.
“Jenny, hon, you have to know, I don’t regret what I did, only how I did it.”
“But, what about…”
“I’ve been an ass about everything. Up until that night, I did think differently about you. I hated myself for it – I really did. But I too needed something. I had to know that I was better than that. And I used you to prove it.”
At this point I began to feel like I did last night, brave, but this morning it was a different type of intoxication fueling its delivery.
“Yes I bragged about you last night and mostly because of the booze. But if you remember, I wasn’t drunk the night we spent together.”
“No, you weren’t”
“I used you too Jenny. I used you to prove to myself that I wasn’t the pitiful, shallow man you see before you now. Just like I used the alcohol last night to give me the courage to brag about how nice I was to sleep with a breast cancer survivor out of pity, and how I “lucked” out because of how good you were in bed. When instead, I should have told the truth, that I really am lucky, because this wonderfully talented, beautiful woman gave me one of the best nights of my life, and how I would consider myself honored if she would consent to going out with me again, so I can show her the real, honest me.”
We stood there, both of us in stunned silence. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. Still feeling a bit off from the hangover and the recent revelations, I returned to the bench by the lake. Breathing deeply, I hoped the fresh air would calm my racing emotions. I hadn’t noticed that Jenny followed until she sat down beside me and took my hand.
“Mike. I…I don’t know what to say. I had no idea.”
“How could you. I haven’t exactly been a good friend to you these last few months.”
“You weren’t the only one you know, who pulled away from me. Many women in my support group said the same thing happened to them. Some friends stayed, some left and then returned, some were never heard from again. Cancer changes people.”
Seeing I was still confused, she continued.
“We never think of losing friends or family until we are older; because that is when it should happen. But to watch someone you love, who is in the prime of their life, or has yet to live it fully, get cancer – well, it brings home the reality that death can happen to anyone, anywhere, and at anytime. Suddenly mortality is forcing a stare down and those people who fade out of your life are the ones who blink first. It doesn’t make them bad people. A little weaker in character perhaps, but then again, we all make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world. Especially if you can move on and become a better person because of it.”
Looking at me the way she did, made me feel even worse: as a person and a friend. I could see that she once believed I possessed a stronger character, and I had let her down.
“It killed me to think I was so weak to let something like that get to me. I…I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I had no right to take advantage of you last night. What can I say, I was desperate. I wanted my sex life back. And I mistakenly thought that getting a “reputation” was the way to do it. If someone like you could sleep with a woman like me and feel it was good enough to brag about, then maybe…geez…I can’t believe what I’m saying. You must think I’m some kind of perverted weirdo.”
Damn my head hurt. I just wasn’t sure if it was from the booze or the absurdity of the situation. Grabbing my hands in hers, she gave me the most incredulous look.
“Did you really mean what you said earlier…about going out with me again?”
Without even thinking, I pulled her into my lap and kissed her, although it wasn’t my best effort considering the pounding in my head, and now the one in my chest. Needing to catch my breath, I released her, but only just enough so she was nestled comfortably against my chest.
“I feel like shit.”
“Hmmm, you know, in my mind, when I picture a man talking dirty to me, I don’t quite see him doing it so….literally.”
“Then I suggest you don’t spend an entire week’s paycheck getting him snockered the night before.”
“I wouldn’t have had to if you’d had the good sense to stop drinking after the first five rounds. My god, how much liquid fortification does it take to get a man to brag about his sex life?”
Holding her in my arms like that, looking into those bright blue eyes, I knew I had met my match. To hell with my perceptions and preconceived notions of beauty, this was a woman who could hold her own, and my heart.
At that point I did what any man would do to win an argument with a beautiful woman in his lap. I pulled her in close and softly whispered in her ear some of those dirty words I’m sure she originally had in mind. I guess they were the right ones, as she had no idea I’d gotten up and had carried her to the edge of the lake. Damn, she looks good wet.
